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A tiny crack, long thought to be patched up.  Then with a just a glance the ache erupts forward without pause.  

All of a sudden I find myself wanting to throw up and chocking back tears at the same time.  I wish I had someone to turn too, but he is asleep right now on the other side of the world…

And there is no one else.  I’ve moved so far beyond that distant past there is no one around me who can understand.  No one to help explain to me why the past has the power to hurt me so much.  

If I am truly happy at this point in my life, with who I am, where I’m at, then why does a reminder of the past bring such a sense of grief?  Like I am mourning that long ago girl and the things she destroyed.  I’m not sure if I wish to be her again, or just wish to have the choices she did.

I would have told her to hold on tight to what she had and never let go.     

So when you think you’re just somebody’s acquaintance they claim you as family.  You warm up and start considering them the same.  A few years goes by then one day they exclude you from a major family function outright.  That’s when you find out “like family” is not even remotely close to “is family”.  

I should learn by now not to care so much about people in a way that they can affect negatively but then again, if I didn’t learn it by now I probably never will.

Oh well.  Whatever doesn’t kill you or make you stronger, you’ll just have to live with.     

Sometimes my capacity for undeserved hatred really shocks me.  I guess underneath the happy go lucky pushover skin I live in everyday lurks a resentful angry demon ready to smash certain people’s faces in.

To avoid being a two-face I just stop all interaction with people I dislike and hate them from afar in a slightly offhanded/stalkerish way.  

I wish I can stop the randomly compulsive need to check this one specific blog that never fails to make me nauseous.  

Yes, I’ve got issues.